Season: 10+

Series: How Does This Go Again

Rating: NC17

Pairing: Jack/Daniel

Category: Ship

Fic Spoilers: When It Counts

Warnings: graphic slash, adult situations, language

The O’Neill/Jackson household gains a new member and a confrontation with one of Daniel’s relatives forces Jack to finally confront his demons.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________

‘Cause when push comes to shove

you taste what you’re made of.

You might bend ‘til you break

‘cause it’s all you can take.

On your knees you look up,

decide you’ve had enough

You get mad.

You get strong.

Wipe your hands.

Shake it off.

Then you stand.  ~   Rascal Flatts

            From Daniel’s point of view it was no exaggeration to say the transition to life as something akin to a normal couple had been a little rocky. Ok, if he was in the mood to be blunt about it, it had been a lot rocky. The neighborhood was quiet. The neighbors were nice and for the first time they could climb in the car and head off to do something together without needing to plan a cover story before they left the house. Daniel loved almost everything about it. Jack, on the other hand, was miserable. That was the one thing that kept it from being perfect and it was no minor detail.

            It was June and Jack had been pensive of late, sometimes outright withdrawn. It didn’t come as much of a shock because the anniversary of Charlie’s death always did that to him to some extent. Guilt made that particular anniversary a bit more poignant than some of the others, a concept Jack didn’t have to bother to explain. This year, however, Daniel suspected the dark mood and short fuse that came with that time of year were being fueled at least in part by the fallout from Jack’s retirement. It wasn’t turning out to be the smooth transition Daniel had been hoping for. To be honest, that wasn’t much of a shock either. He had suspected the transition from military man to civilian wasn’t going to be without a few issues and so far he’d been right. Boy, had he been right!

            This time around retirement was much more complicated than Jack figuring out how to keep busy. He was struggling…a lot…with figuring out who he was and how he felt about it. One of his deepest, darkest secrets had been laid out on the table for the world to see and it was making for some very uncomfortable realizations for Jack. Not to mention butting heads with concepts he had always taken as hard and fast truths; absolute, unwavering, non negotiable. Like the idea that “real men” are heterosexual, therefore, gay men are not real men.

            Jack O’Neill was a good man. Despite his tendency to be a bit overbearing at times, Daniel had always thought so. Hidden under all the layers of bravado was a decent guy with a very big heart. Sometimes he just went to great lengths to hide it. However, in Jack’s opinion he was half a step away from irredeemable. He’d done a good thing or two over the course of his life, but the good didn’t come even close to outweighing the bad. Coming to grips with his sexuality was not helping his self-esteem. As far as Jack was concerned it was just one more thing he could add to the pile to prove he was a lost cause; a reprehensible human being.

            Daniel had no problem being patient with him while he struggled to find his way through it. He knew how rough it was because he could see it written all over his face. Jack was trying and as far as Daniel was concerned that was enough. He knew what Jack wanted to do was shove the entire concept right back into the closet and locked it in the shadows never to be seen again. But he wasn’t doing that because he wanted their relationship just a little bit more than he wanted to salvage his sanity.

            Jack was a good man.

            His idea of a perfect relationship was one where they could live in the same house, but keep pretending there was nothing between them. There was an image Jack wanted to maintain and being the gay guy down the street wasn’t it. He wanted to be the retired General down the street who happened to have a man for a roommate. He didn’t want to have to admit anything and he didn’t want anyone jumping to conclusions. It hadn’t taken more than a day out in the real world for him to realize that the general population didn’t turn a determined blind eye to those things the way the military did. He didn’t have to say it. Nor did he had to do anything to make it obvious. People figured it out based on nothing more than their living arrangements and they didn’t see any reason to pretend they didn’t know. And every time someone made a comment that made it obvious his secret was out it grated on Jack’s nerves.

            If any of the neighbors had an issue with the fact that there was a gay couple living on their block they hadn’t said anything. In fact, everyone at the barbeque a few months earlier had been warm and hospitable, but Jack knowing that they knew was leading to all kinds of chaos in his head as he imagined what they were thinking about him; what they were saying behind his back. For that reason they had done very little mingling since the barbeque. Even chance meetings as they came and went from the house bothered Jack so Daniel wasn’t pushing the issue of making new friends. Socializing wasn’t important right now. They would get to that later. At the same time he wasn’t about to let Jack become a hermit, hiding from the issue because it was easier that way. So every now and then he dragged Jack out of the house, taking him to a farmer’s market or making a trip to a sports bar. Nothing that would put him on the spot where introductions were concerned, just a change of scenery and a chance to wander among strangers. No names. No titles. No overt displays of affection unless Jack initiated them.

            Daniel didn’t care if Jack never got to a point where he felt comfortable in the gay community. And as nice as it had been, he didn’t care if he never got a repeat of the family reunion weekend. He was fine with the idea of introducing Jack to people with no further explanation of who he was than his name. The worse things got for Jack the more he realized that hanging a title on him wasn’t necessary. Once upon a time he had thought it was, but the whole ordeal had changed his mind. He would just be “Jack”.

The only thing Daniel wanted was for him to be comfortable in his own skin. To settle into some kind of peace with the whole issue, one that allowed him to live with the knowledge that people could guess his little secret without him saying a word. If he never came out and admitted he was bi-sexual that was fine. He didn’t have to, but he needed to find a way to move the issue someplace other than center stage. It didn’t deserve that much attention. Jack was smothering himself with the issue, determined that it was more important than anything else about him. From Daniel’s perspective that was far from the truth. There was no need to let his sexual preference define his character.

            Daniel couldn’t reach into Jack’s head and reorganize things to put them in their proper perspective, but he had realized one day that there was something he could do to help. Jack had been grumbling for some time that what he needed was to have fewer people in his life. One afternoon he’d heard him grumble it yet again and it had struck him. Jack was right. What he needed weren’t new people.

            Daniel pulled up to the curb of a house on the far side of town and rang the bell, eager anticipation rolling around in his stomach. The quiet chime was followed by a chaotic chorus of barking. A moment later he could hear a voice shushing the welcoming committee before the door opened.

            “Morning, Daniel.” A woman greeted. “Come on in. Ok, everybody just settle down. Nobody’s going to get petted if you don’t let him in.” She added to the gaggle of lolling tongues and wagging tails.

            Daniel didn’t think he could be called a dog person. Other than fish he wasn’t much of a pet person, period. He liked animals, but liking them and taking care of them were two different things. However, Jack was right. Adding new people to his life wasn’t fixing anything because people were the source of his annoyance. He’d never been a people person. He was a dog person. And if Jack was willing to turn his life upside for the sake of attempting to settle into their new existence then Daniel was willing to deal with having a dog. It was possible he might enjoy it. Ok, so having dog hair all over the place wouldn’t be that great and picking up dog poop was not high on his list of favorite concepts, but Jack would love it and that was good enough. Maybe once in a while Daniel could even take it running.

            Her. Take her running, he amended as he ventured further into the house.

            His original idea had been to find a breeder and get a puppy, but a new acquaintance on his morning runs had brought up the alternative of adopting a dog from a shelter instead and he’d latched onto it. Jack was a sucker for things in need of rescue. Daniel was living proof. So was Teal’c. If they were going to get a dog it would be a much better idea to rescue one that needed a home than to get a puppy. Besides, that sidestepped the entire issue of housebreaking and he was all in favor of that.

            When he had envisioned a dog shelter he had conjured up a very different picture than what he’d found on his first trip out there the week before. He’d been expecting something else; something a bit more heartless with dogs penned up in cages, sleeping on concrete. Instead he’d found a normal looking house. One with an intimidating greeting party of rescued dogs. In reality there were only six of them, but with all the barking, wagging, and wiggling it seemed like a lot more. All except for one.

            On his first visit the mismatched furry face had sat several feet back from the raucous crowd watching the display. She was a patchwork of black, white, gray, and brown, some in splotches, some dappled. She even had mismatched eyes to go with the fur; one brown and one blue. She looked like she had been put together with spare parts from other dogs and nothing about her had come out quite “right”. The fact that she hadn’t throwing herself at him like the others had captured Daniel’s attention. One look at her and he’d realized that her mismatched features made her the perfect choice. She didn’t quite fit the mold and she didn’t quite belong with that rambunctious crowd. He could relate.

            She was a timid Australian Shepherd mix and had been a little wary as he approached and held out his hand. But she’d taken an instant liking to him, which was good because the feeling was mutual. He’d known in less time than it took to finish petting her that he’d found Jack’s dog. Her name was Maggie and she’d been through the ringer just like they had, which made her that much more perfect. She’d been found abused and half starved in some idiot’s backyard and the shelter had taken her in and nursed her back to health.

            Daniel had wanted to take her home that same day, but he’d had a few things to arrange first. Such as dog food, a bed, some toys…all of the typical pet accessories. The trick was managing to hide it all from Jack. Piece by piece he’d snuck it into the house and hidden it in his office, the one place Jack seldom ventured. With everything accumulated he was ready to bring Maggie home.

            For a moment he was concerned that she wouldn’t be willing to just pick up and leave with him since she didn’t know him and had no idea where they were going, but as he walked her out to the Jeep and opened the door she jumped right onto the seat as if she’d done it a thousand times. Closing the door he climbed in the other side, ushered her into to the back seat, and headed home.

            ~~>>*****<<~~

            Daniel had been thinking about the best way to introduce Jack to their newest family member for days. For a while he had thought of having Maggie jump up on the bed first thing in the morning and roust Jack from sleep, but he’d realized that it wasn’t the best idea. First of all, he didn’t want her to get into the habit of wandering around on the bed. Second, Jack wouldn’t have any idea what had hit him and would no doubt wake up swinging. The last thing he wanted to do was upset an already skittish dog in the process of making introductions. Jack would get over it the moment he realized his “assailant” had fur. Maggie, on the other hand, was already wary of men, her last owner having set a very bad precedent. Her recovery could take days.

            He decided that it might not be dramatic, but perhaps the best way to introduce them was to have Jack wander into the house and find her. It wasn’t dramatic, but it was guaranteed to be a lot less shocking to both of his traumatized housemates. So when Jack returned from his latest bout of fishing Daniel was in the den watching Maggie get used to her new home, sniffing every square inch of everything.

            “I’m back.” He heard Jack announce from upstairs.

            “Down here.” He called back, smiling to himself.

            He had left little clues scattered around the house, curious to see how long it would take Jack to realize something was different. The water dish and food bowl were already set up in a corner of the kitchen. The leash was on a hook by the door to the garage.

            Maggie heard Jack’s voice and stopped her snuffling at the carpet in one corner, ears jerked toward the ceiling. Daniel studied her, trying to read clues in her expression. Never having had one, he didn’t know much about dog language, but he knew the basic human signs for being apprehensive and from what he could see there wasn’t much difference. Ears swiveling to pick up every sound she followed Jack’s footsteps to the stairs, her little canine face folding into what could only be called an uncertain scowl as she saw feet appear on the stairs. Crouching toward the floor she slunk over to the far side of the room, skittering as fast as she could, casting regular glances back over her shoulder.

            “It’s ok.” Daniel soothed as he followed her retreat. “He won’t hurt you.” She glanced from him to the stairs and back to him, but didn’t seem all that reassured. “It’s ok.”

            “Who are you talking to?” Jack asked as he reached the bottom of the staircase.

            Jack answered his own question when he followed Daniel’s gaze to the dog cowering in the corner, ears pressed flat against her head.

            “Whose dog?” he dropped his voice.

            Daniel might not have been fluent in dog, but Jack was.

            “Ours.” He said. “I, uh…I got you a dog.”

            He’d been imagining the scene for days: a silly grin on his face and a shocked and overwhelmed expression on Jack’s. It seemed he had been spot on about the shocked part as Jack blinked at him, glanced at Maggie and back again.

            “You what?” Jack gaped.

            “I got you a dog.” He repeated with a smile. “Jack, this is Maggie…Maggie…Jack. She’s a little shy around men, but she’s actually very sweet when she gets to know you.”

            “You…you got a dog?” Jack replied. “You just went out and got me a dog?”

            “Uh, yeah.” He replied, not sure what to make of the reaction.

            Jack didn’t seem unhappy, but he wasn’t bowled over with joy either. The expression on his face was almost unreadable, but that wasn’t because it was too jumbled with emotion for him to untangle. It was because Jack was wearing his stoic, blank expression. He had no idea what that meant. Daniel supposed it was possible that picking out a dog involved some kind of personal ritual he hadn’t been aware of, but somehow he doubted it.

            Jack stared back at him for a long moment before turning his attention to the dog. Still several feet away from her he crouched down to the floor and held out his hand.

            “Big shock on the first day, huh?” He said, his voice gentle and quiet. “New house. Strange people. Everything smells funny…”

            Daniel doubted Maggie understood him, but he had her undivided attention nonetheless. He kept up the chatter in the same calm, soothing tone and inched his way toward her. She didn’t come to him, but she didn’t run either. Lying pressed to the floor she watched his every move, Jack waiting several long moments with his fingers held out to her before she dared to give him a sniff. Daniel stood watching the exchange, Jack scratching her chin with one finger rather than attempting to pet her.

            “Where did you find her?” He asked, his tone the same as he scratched her head.

            “Rescue shelter.”

            He nodded leaving Daniel to wonder at a reaction he hadn’t anticipated. Calm, cool, and collected at the news of having his own dog was not a response he’d been prepared for.

            “How old is she?” Jack asked, settling on the floor beside her when she started to relax into his touch, gliding a hand over her fur.

            “They think somewhere around two. She’s a little small for her age because of the lack of food.” Daniel replied, watching the scene with his arms folded across his chest, looking for clues.

            Jack kept petting, his attention fixed on the dog until she rolled onto her side so he could pet the rest of her. For the first time since coming down the stairs Jack smiled as he stroked her belly. “You are a sweetheart, aren’t you?” He said.

            She swallowed, still looking a bit uncertain, but when Jack inched to his feet she rolled back onto her belly and began wagging her tail. Daniel watched as Jack crossed the short distance to him and wrapped him in a hug without a word. Rocking him where they stood Jack’s grip on him was something Daniel was tempted to call clinging. Jack didn’t cling. Well, not normally. It made the whole scene that much more odd.

            “Jack?” Daniel held him tight.

            “I’m ok.” He said, Daniel wasn’t sure he believed it.

            “Ok.” He replied deciding that the best way to get an explanation might be to just wait for Jack to decide he wanted to give one. So he stood holding him, stroking his back with a thumb and waited.

            “I love you, Danny.” Was all the explanation he got.

~~>>*****<<~~

            Daniel had always been a touch unpredictable. In the beginning it had been one of the things that had driven Jack batty. Unless you knew how the man thought it was sometimes impossible to tell what he was going to do. He would go running headlong into catastrophe without so much as a warning. That wasn’t quite true. He would always get that look right before it happened. That “yep, bad idea…don’t care…doing it anyway” look. Jack had learned to recognize that look long before he’d come to understand the thought process behind it because it meant trouble and in the field catching him before he went scampering into disaster was always a good idea.

            Now that they were no longer going on missions the unpredictable side came out a bit less often and most of the time with a lot less fallout. Once in a while Daniel still came out of left field with things, but most of the time it didn’t involve taking his life in his hands. More often than not it just involved something that caught Jack off guard and left him with his jaw hanging, wondering if he’d missed a clue somewhere. It wasn’t an idea he spent much time contemplating because he knew he hadn’t. There were never any clues to miss. The dog was a perfect example.

            Jack had been expecting to come home from a morning spent lounging at the lake and step into his typical routine. He’d stick his head into Daniel’s office and then start trying to decide what to have for lunch. Once upon a time that would have sounded dull, but now that he was standing in the middle of mundane retirement he found he loved every minute of it. Well, that particular aspect of it, anyway. However, that wasn’t the way things had turned out.

            At first he had thought Daniel had found a stray while he’d been out on his morning run and had brought it home. The realization that it wasn’t just a stray he’d picked up, but a dog he’d adopted just for him had taken the legs right out from under him. He wasn’t sure why. All he knew was the news had struck him deep enough that all he’d wanted to do was collapse in a heap on the floor and cry. Standing there in the middle of the den looking from the dog to Daniel and back again, He hadn’t had the words to say what he had been thinking. Out of nowhere Daniel had gotten up that morning and on a whim hopped in the car, gone out and gotten him a dog. It was without a doubt the kindest, most thoughtful, most generous thing anyone had ever done for him.

            He’d never been able to explain it, but ever since he was a kid dogs had been his touchstone. They could get through to him in a way no human could. Burying his face in their fur he could get lost in them, confessing his darkest secrets and getting nothing, but unconditional acceptance in return. They never judged. They never asked questions. They never let him down.

It had been a very rough few months attempting to adjust to life as a civilian…a male civilian with a boyfriend. The whole thing grated on his last nerve from sun up to sun down. The only thing that didn’t annoy him was the fact that despite it all Daniel was still putting up with him. The house. The neighborhood. The neighbors. Everything was wearing on him. The constant annoyance of what the new life they’d started meant; what it said about him was tearing him up inside.

            June was always bad, but this time around it was pushing him to his limit. He felt like he was coming apart and he didn’t know what to do about it. Surrounded by accusing eyes and weighed down with a hefty load of his own personal recriminations he felt lost and trapped. This was supposed to be his wonderful new life with Daniel and it felt more like a nightmare. He’d been pretending he had it all under control for weeks, but he didn’t and he knew it. The fact that Daniel had picked up in it without him having to say a word was far from surprising. It had always been that way. Daniel had a well tuned radar when it came to emotional desperation and Jack was swimming in it.

            Crushing Daniel in his grip, he’d wanted to tell him how much it meant to him. How desperate he felt. How close he was to losing the few remaining threads of his sanity. How much he depended on the fact that Daniel always seemed to find a way to come to his rescue. That he’d be lost without him. He wanted to sit him down and pour his heart out, but he couldn’t begin to put any of it into words so he settled for the tried and true stand-by “I love you”, a statement that at that moment was very inadequate.

            It had taken a long time for Daniel to say anything, but Jack was ok with that. He didn’t know how to say what he wanted to say and attempting to explain even half of what was in his head would only serve to frustrate him. He was already frustrated enough. So Jack held him and rocked him and Daniel let him.

            “Do you remember that talk we had in Maine…after your transfer?” Daniel asked, breaking the silence, his chin rested on Jack’s shoulder.

            “Maine” was all Daniel had to say to jog his memory. That had been one of the darkest periods of their relationship. Being apart for months at a time had brought Daniel to his knees and one night he’d reached the end of his rope. The next day they had hatched the Six Month Rule. If Daniel could stand being apart for another six months Jack would keep his job at HWS. Every six months they made the same evaluation. If they could stand the separation for another half year, fine. Otherwise Jack would walk away from HWS, the Stargate program and everything else because keeping their relationship together was more important than all of it put together.

            “Yeah.”

            “I think we need to do that again. The Six Month Rule, I mean.”

            Jack released his grip and stood studying his expression, not sure what Daniel was proposing and almost afraid to ask.

            “You’re miserable, Jack, and I don’t want you to feel like you’re trapped in this.”

            “I don’t…”

            “Let me finish.” He scolded. “I think we should give this a few more months, but if things are still this bad then we need to put the Six Month Rule into effect and end it.”

            “’End it’?” Jack echoed.

            “Get you out of here and try something else.” Daniel explained. “Some place where we have more space, fewer neighbors, fewer people.”

            “We can’t exactly put the house back on the market.” Jack argued.

            “No, but we’ll find a way to do something else. Maybe spend more time at the cabin.”

            For the second time that day Jack felt tears threatening. He knew how Daniel felt about hiding their relationship, but there he was offering to do just that.

            “You don’t have to do this.” Jack said, a hand on his face.

            “I know. Neither do you.” Daniel twitched him a smile. “The whole point of this is for us to be living under the same roof without pretending we don’t. We can have that anywhere; certainly someplace that doesn’t make you feel like you have to hide all the time just to avoid talking to people.”

            “I don’t.” He wanted to hide, but that wasn’t the same thing as actually hiding.

            “Yes, you do.” He argued. “I want you to be happy, Jack. I need you to be. This doesn’t work if you’re miserable. No more pretending this isn’t getting to you, ok? I need you to be honest about this.”

            It ate at him that once again Daniel was making the sacrifices in their relationship, but he couldn’t deny that he was miserable.

            “I think we need to start by getting you out of here for a while.” Daniel continued. “It’s summer. We don’t have to worry about frozen pipes or any of that stuff for a few more months so why don’t we close the place up and head out to the cabin for a few weeks, a few months, whatever?”

            Jack thought of protesting that they couldn’t just pack up and head for the hills on a moment’s notice until he realized that they could. They didn’t need permission. They didn’t need to request time off. They didn’t need anything, but some clothes and Daniel’s laptop.

            He didn’t know what to say. He was overwhelmed with gratitude, relief, adoration, you name it, he was swimming in it. Anything he said at that point would have fallen far short of what he felt so he didn’t bother attempting the words. Smiling back at Daniel he took his face in his hands and kissed him, brushing lips against him for an instant before pouring every ounce of emotion into the contact. He envisioned sweeping Daniel up in his arms and carrying him up the stairs like a scene in some cheesy romance, but Daniel outweighed him by at least 40 pounds and his knees would never forgive him. So he settled for a less romantic gesture and led him up by the hand across the floor and into the guest room. Not bothering with the lights he tumbled to the bed with him and let the rest of what he wanted to say rain down over Daniel in every kiss, every touch, worshiping the man he believed he would never deserve.

~~>>*****<<~~

            Daniel sat out on the small front porch of the cabin with his laptop settled on his legs as he tapped away on the keys. They had been there for three weeks and in that time he’d gotten into the habit of working outside. He liked being out in the fresh air and realized that he could do the same thing back at the house. After all, there was no reason for him to have to stay tucked away in his windowless office. He could translate out in the yard just as well as he could indoors. During the summer it could be a bit uncomfortable and during the winter he’d freeze to death, but that still left two seasons.

            Jack and Maggie were down at the dock fishing in the pond that had no fish. They spent a lot of time doing that. He wasn’t sure what it was about Jack, but Maggie had taken to following him everywhere he went. If he was fishing she was fishing. If he was wandering the trails through the woods then she was wandering right along with him. Either she had picked up on the fact that Jack was in need of a bit of extra attention or it was just his canine magnetism. Either way, from the look of it they adored each other.

            Daniel had no idea how long they were going to stay at the cabin. He was leaving that up to Jack. He had told the neighbors across the street that they were going to be gone for a while and asked them to watch the house. The paper delivery was on hold. The mail was on hold. In short, there was no rush to get back. It had taken only a few days for the old Jack to emerge from the mire of tension and frustration. Daniel was so happy to see him that he didn’t care when they got back to Minneapolis. In fact, if going back meant Jack disappeared again he didn’t think they should bother. However, Jack wasn’t the type to run from his problems. He had needed a break because he’d been at the end of his rope, but hiding in the cabin forever wasn’t going to happen. At some point the topic of returning to the city would come up. When it did they were going to have to come up with a plan for handling it a bit better than they had been. It was obvious the diving in with both feet method hadn’t worked.

            “How’s it going?” Jack asked appearing on the porch.

            “Fine. You guys done fishing?”

            “For the time being. Thought we’d head into town and pick up a few supplies. You want to come?”

            “Sure.”

            Daniel shut down his laptop and left it in the bedroom. By the time he got back outside Jack and Maggie were already in the truck.

            “I’ve been thinking,” Jack admitted as they drove, “maybe we should head back next week.”

            “Really?”

            “Yeah.”

            “Ok, if you want to.”

            “You don’t want to?”

            “If you’re ready then I’m fine with it.”

            “I appreciate you doing this, Daniel. I really do.” He said, reaching over and taking Daniel’s hand. “But you and I both know hiding isn’t going to solve the problem.”

            “No.”

            “So, I think…maybe it might be time to try…that baby steps thing you were talking about. Just small stuff.” He amended. “I can tell you right now gay bars are not going to be on my list of things to see at any point.”

            “I figured.” Daniel smiled. “I, uh, suppose I should probably tell you something.”

            Jack’s eyebrows inched up his forehead as he divided his attention between Daniel and the road.

            “I started the baby stepping thing already. I just didn’t tell you.” He admitted.

            “What do you mean?”

            “The sports bar.”

            “What about it?”

            “It’s a gay bar, Jack.”

            “No it isn’t.”

            “Yes it is.”

            “No.”

            “Yes.”

            “No.”

            “I’m sure there were straight people there, too, but it’s a pretty popular spot with the 40 and up crowd in the gay community.”

            A disturbed look settled over Jack’s face and Daniel had a pretty good idea what he was thinking. There was nothing stereotypical about that bar or the people there. Sure he’d seen a couple or two snuggling in the corner booths while they watched the game on the array of big screens, but for the most part it wasn’t a cuddling, snuggling type of place. That was why Daniel had taken him there.

            Not all gay men looked or acted like gay men. Some of them picked up the speech and mannerisms as they got further into the community. Some didn’t see the point. The Alpha Male types like Jack were a lot harder to pick out of a crowd unless you knew what to look for. They were just regular guys that happened to be gay when it came to picking sexual partners. That was the point Daniel had been trying to make with Jack for years. He didn’t have to give up being who he was. He didn’t have to turn into anybody else. He could be Jack and still be bi-sexual because the two weren’t mutually exclusive.

            Jack’s mood for the rest of the trip into town and back was much more subdued, but Daniel was content to let him be alone with his thoughts. The more time he spent contemplating the fact that reality wasn’t living up to his stereotypes the better. In his mind being gay was a bad thing, which meant he was a bad person, but that was due to the fact that his idea of what it was to be gay was warped. He didn’t see “gay” and “bravado” fitting in the same picture. He didn’t want anything to do with tank tops, fruity drinks with umbrellas, singing show tunes, or squealing every time something exciting happened. He was a military man and he wanted to continue to act like one. Trying to explain that he didn’t have to give that up had failed every time Daniel had attempted it because Jack didn’t believe him. So he had been a bit devious and underhanded and walked him right into a place that was anything, but stereotypical and showed him. Several times. Now that he’d admitted it Jack would no doubt see the place in a different light the next time they went. Assuming Jack agreed to go back.

~~>>*****<<~~

            Jack followed Daniel into the house as the garage door slid closed. It had been a very interesting evening. He had let Daniel take him back to the sports bar, but this time he’d been aware of what the place was. Even knowing that it was possible a good portion of the people there were gay the place had still looked like a typical bar. This time he had noticed a couple of tables where guys were a bit more chummy than necessary, but Daniel was right. There was nothing obvious about the place at all. He wasn’t sure what to think of it.

            He had, however, noticed a couple of guys giving Daniel an appreciative glance and it had left him feeling a bit possessive. The set up of the table hadn’t given him the option of sitting next to him and draping an arm across the back of his chair in a not quite subtle claim of territory. So he’d been left to drink his beer and try to keep his mind on something else. It hadn’t worked very well. Despite the fact that they were home and the only one leering in Daniel’s direction was him, the desire to lay claim to him was still boiling away inside.

            Jack grabbed his arm as they entered the kitchen, walked up to him and kissed him hard, releasing the grip on his sleeve in favor of holding his head and pressed him up against the side of the refrigerator.

            “Wow.” Daniel panted when Jack released his mouth. “I think I need to take you to gay bars more often.”

            “Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.” Jack replied. “This was one bar and it wasn’t exactly gay.”

            “Pretty sure that was my point all along.” Daniel smiled, blue eyes sparkling in the dim light.

            He could feel the low growl building in his throat as he cut off any further attempt at gloating by once again possessing Daniel’s mouth. This was something he’d never experienced before; this feeling of wanting to mark Daniel as his own. At least not on that level. But then he’d never been in that situation before. No one on base had ever been stupid enough to openly ogle him and the only people that seemed determined to throw themselves at him had been women. Jack wasn’t worried about the women. Ok, maybe once in a while he had gotten a little jealous when he thought Daniel was paying a bit too much attention to them, but this felt different.

            It was the one aspect of their relationship that had the potential to inspire him to throw his no public displays of affection rule out the window. He didn’t want other men anywhere near his territory. Daniel was his, plain and simple, end of discussion. He had no doubt Daniel would bristle if he realized just how deep that feeling of ownership went and he’d be justified in being a little pissy about it, but it was there nonetheless.

            He’d felt it the first time at Daniel’s family reunion. Something about having the formal announcement made that he and Daniel were partners had struck a nerve, but not the one he’d been anticipating. The public proclamation that this wonderful, very attractive, and sometimes down right hot individual was his had gone right to his head and lit a fire somewhere in his Alpha Male personality.

            Having the men at the bar showing obvious appreciation for his partner wasn’t flattering. It wasn’t his ego that had responded to the fact that other people thought Daniel was attractive. It was his territorial side and he was burning with the need to do something about it.

            Licking and sucking at Daniel’s neck, he burrowed hands under his shirt and went right for his belt, unbuckling it and unzipping his pants far enough to get a inside. The groan that followed was the very sound he’d been craving.

            “You know the, uh, bedroom is only a few feet away.” Daniel panted.

            “Yeah, but I want you right here.” Jack replied, pausing long enough to strip the shirt off him and toss it aside.

            Daniel reached up to run hands through Jack’s hair, but he gripped his wrists and pressed them into the refrigerator instead. He wanted submissive, though he knew forcing Daniel to play along wasn’t an option. He was more than strong enough to free himself, and no matter how much Jack wanted to be dominating he would never force Daniel to do anything against his will anyway. A wrestling match over what he was and wasn’t going to do might have sprung up between them had Daniel been in the mood to argue, but it seemed he was content to be cooperative, submitting to the ongoing assault of the skin at his neck and chest without complaint. Jack released his wrists and slid a hand back into his jeans.

            Daniel responded by toeing off his shoes before wiggling out of his jeans, leaving them in a pile on the floor. He attempted to lay fingers on the button of Jack’s, but had his hands shoved away one more time.

            “Right here.” Jack instructed, pushing his palms against the refrigerator.

            Daniel wrapped his fingers around each side of the appliance in an attempt to get a grip on something as Jack decided he’d had enough of massaging him through the fabric of his boxers and shoved the clinging material further down his hips. He smiled an evil little smirk when Daniel closed his eyes and lifted his chin toward the ceiling as he took him in hand. Jack stroked him with a firm grip and went back to licking and sucking at the pulse point at his neck.

            “Jack.” Daniel warned gasping to the ceiling.

            He wanted him to come, but wasn’t quite through with him yet. Clamping the fingers of his free hand around the base of Daniel’s cock he took him right up to the crest of the wave and held him there until he was gasping and begging for release. When Daniel began shuddering, a hand reaching out to cover Jack’s where it continued working him, he stopped and let him hang in limbo for a moment before releasing the grip on his base. His cock was a deep red and leaking when Jack peeled him off the refrigerator and bent him over the counter at the island a few feet away.

            Still dressed, Jack unzipped his jeans and freed himself. The vision he had in mind was a fast, hard ride with Daniel stark naked and him fully clothed. He didn’t want to make love to him, he wanted to take him, possess him, pound into him, stopping just short of giving it to him rougher than Daniel could stand. Liberating his old stand by, olive oil, from the cupboard he coated himself and smeared a generous portion into the crack of Daniel’s ass, smiling at the groan the contact inspired. A hand on either hip, Jack positioned himself and slid into him with a forceful motion earning another groan.

            “Geez, Jack.” Daniel panted toward the counter.

            Jack gave him a scant second to recover before pulling out and driving right back in, giving Daniel most of his length in a single thrust. This time the groan was more of a grunt. From there he set up a forceful and determined pace. He knew the ride was a bit intense, but he also knew if it got to be too much Daniel would say something. Until then he was determined to take what he wanted and be as rough about it as he liked.

            One hand still on his hip, Jack ran the other up the length of Daniel’s back, smearing the accumulated sweat as he went before sinking fingers into his hair and gripping the strands at the top of his head. Pulling his head back Jack forced him to arch his back, changing his position and allowing Jack to go deeper with every thrust.

            “Jack.” Daniel grunted, hands gripping the edge of the countertop. “Wanna ease up a bit?”

            “Need a new position?” He panted as he continued to stroke into him.

            “No, just a little…ah…less intensity. You’re gonna come out my chest.”

            Jack grinned and adjusted his position yet again.

            “Ah! Jack!” Daniel gasped through clenched teeth in a sound that was half pain, half pleasure.

            Up to that point Jack had been unaware of the spectator sitting off to the side of the kitchen. He’d been far too engrossed in claiming his prize to think about Maggie. So when she let out a sharp bark in response to Daniel’s latest comment it took him by surprise. He jerked turned toward the sound, slowing his thrusts.

            “It’s ok, Maggie.”

            “I don’t think she likes you being so rough.” Daniel panted, his attention turned toward her as Jack let go of his hair. “That’s two against one.”

            “I’m not hurting him, girl.” Jack reassured her.

            “Much.” Daniel commented.

            “Too rough?” He asked, realizing that he’d been lost in his own little world, taking out his revenge on a body that didn’t deserve it.

            “Yeah, a little.” Daniel nodded at the counter.

            “Sorry.” Jack offered, stopping to press a kiss to Daniel’s shoulder. “I got a bit carried away.”

            “You could say that.”

            “Want me to stop?”

            “For god’s sake, no!” Daniel replied. “Just back it off a bit. I’m going to feel it for a week as it is.”

            Jack wrapped his arms around Daniel’s chest, pressed himself the length of his body and switched to long, slow strokes that didn’t reach as deep, soothing the aching places inside with gentle caresses.

            “Better?”

            “Much. Thank you.”

            Nipping at his shoulders Jack took him in hand again, but this time only got in a few strokes before Daniel came in a rush, Jack filling him an instant later.

~~>>*****<<~~

            They had been home from their retreat designed to restore Jack’s sanity for a couple of weeks and so far things seemed to be improving. It wasn’t perfect, but it was better. Jack still worked his face into a scowl any time they ended up in a situation that required introductions, but Daniel was sticking to his plan of using only his name and leaving the rest unsaid. So far it seemed to be helping because Jack no longer cringed anytime someone he didn’t know started talking to them.

            Daniel knew quite a few people in the area thanks to his regular running circuit so from time to time they would bump into a familiar face, at least one familiar to him. With Jack venturing out of the house to places other than bodies of water introductions were happening a bit more often, but his stress level was holding at something reasonable. So for the time being Daniel was willing to let things go the way they had been, at least for the time being. He was serious about the Six Month Rule. If Jack started sliding back into the frustrated, half panicked man he had been before their trip out to the cabin they were going to put the whole living out in the open idea back on the shelf. They wouldn’t have to hide to the same extent they had before, but maybe they would just divide their time between the house and the cabin. It would be trickier in the winter, but they would figure it out. They had to because there was no way he was going to let Jack self-destruct over this.

            There was only so much he expected Jack to be able to adjust to and it was a very real possibility living the life of an average gay couple was too much right now. When it came right down to it, all he wanted was Jack. A happy, somewhat settled Jack. If having that meant they had to go back to being a bit more covert and slowing the transition down to something that crept in fits and starts rather than flowed along then so be it. He was willing to live with that.

~~>>*****<<~~

            Daniel was standing on the doorstep at the house of one of his cousins in Maine. They had invited him and Jack up for a visit and with summer winding down it had seemed like a good idea. One last trip before winter came crashing down making travel a bit hard to manage. Besides that, for whatever reason Jack seemed to do much better when they weren’t around people he saw every day. It was a concept Daniel was still trying to understand, but he didn’t need to comprehend the thought process behind it to know it worked. So when Bill and Connie had extended an invitation for a visit he had jumped at it.

It had been a long, difficult summer for him and Daniel was hoping a little time away from home would sooth his nerves. He wasn’t as bad as he’d been in June, but he could see the tension building again and knew it was time to give him a break. The fact that his angina had been acting up confirmed it.

        Jack had agreed even though it meant leaving Maggie behind. They could have found a hotel that let them bring pets and Jack wouldn’t have minded taking her out for walks, but they were pretty sure the flight would have been a bit more trauma than she needed. So one of the neighbors down the street had agreed to look after her; a very spry 87-year-old widow that often met Daniel on his morning run. He’d never met an almost 90-year-old power walker before until laying eyes on her.

            This time standing on the front stoop and waiting for the door to open there wasn’t an unnerving case of butterflies crashing around in his stomach. This wasn’t well traveled territory, but Daniel knew where he stood with this particular part of the family. There was no need to prove himself. Bill and his wife Connie had been at the reunion in Wyoming so he wasn’t going into the situation blind.

            “Danny, Jack,” Connie greeted with a warm smile when the door opened, “come on in.” She ushered them inside to a cozy living room. “I’m sorry. I’ve been meaning to ask. Is it still ‘Danny’ or do you prefer something else? I think the family still thinks of you as a little boy.”

            “It’s Daniel.”

            “Then ‘Daniel’ it is.” She nodded. “How was the trip? Have you had a chance to settle in?”

            “It was fine.” Daniel replied, casting a glance back at Jack who was a bit quiet so far.

             Despite his lack of involvement in the conversation he seemed relaxed enough and Daniel turned his attention back to Connie. She led them to the couch in the living room, brought out some coffee and they settled into a nice relaxed conversation, Bill emerging a short time later from deeper in the house.

            The afternoon passed with idle chatter and some time spent going through family photo albums, Bill and Connie telling stories. Just like at the reunion Daniel found Jack’s arm draped over the back of the couch behind him as he settled into his role as partner. He smiled to himself and gave Jack’s thigh a brief pat. He didn’t mind the contact, but he saw no reason to make a big display when it was just the four of them. At the reunion he had needed it to ground him, reassure him. This was much less intimidating. Or at least it started out that way.

            Daniel was in the kitchen sipping at a glass of wine and talking with Connie as she prepared dinner, refusing to let him help. Jack was in the den with Bill watching football when the doorbell rang.

            “Bill, will you get that?” Connie called from the kitchen.

            A moment later he heard a man’s voice in the living room. The voice faded and he could only assume the owner had joined Bill and Jack in the den to watch the game. Connie offered no explanation and he didn’t pry; content to live with the mystery.

            When dinner was ready the group settled in at the table and the mystery was solved as a white haired man with a stern face joined them along with Bill and Connie’s two teenagers, Max and Eddie.

            “Dad this is Daniel and I’m sure you’ve already met his friend Jack.” Connie said, making introductions as everyone settled in. “Daniel, this is my father, Will.”

            “Son.” Will said, reaching across the table and shaking Daniel’s hand with a firm grip.

            “Will.” Daniel said, matching the grip.

            “Nice firm handshake you’ve got there.” He said as he settled back in his chair. “You can tell a lot about a man by his handshake.”

            The conversation slowed as they ate, but Will managed to keep the comments flowing in between bites, dominating most of it.

            “Ever served in the military?” He asked.

            “Uh, no, not officially.” Daniel replied, determined to leave the details unsaid.

            He’d never been a member of the Air Force so it was the truth, even though paperwork had been the only difference between his role and the soldiers he had worked with. Jack reached over and patted his thigh under the table. He wasn’t sure if it was meant to be a warning or reassurance so he took it as both.

            “Career man, myself.” Will admitted with pride.

            “Really? What branch of service?” Daniel asked with genuine interest.

            This time Jack gripped his knee and he understood. It was a warning and he’d just stumbled into dangerous territory.

            “Army. Retired.”

            “That’s quite an accomplishment.” Daniel said, not sure what Jack was trying to warn him about. He was a bit too far into the conversation to stop responding, at least not without appearing rude.

            “Strapping young man like yourself could have made a fine soldier.” Will continued, chewing on his food with determination. “Of course, fellas like you aren’t really military material.”

            “Excuse me?” Daniel blinked.

            “Dad.” Connie warned.

            “You’d never make it through basic.” Will huffed. “Fags got no stamina. No strength of character.”

            “Willard.” Bill hissed.

            “What?” Will asked, attempting to look surprised. “Nothing this young man doesn’t know already, right?” Will blinked at him as if he expected Daniel to agree.

            “You have no idea what you’re talking about.” Jack spoke up, his tone capturing Daniel’s attention.

            He knew that sound and it wasn’t good.

            “It’s nothing to get excited about.” Will replied. “You boys are just not military material. Nothing criminal about that. We can’t all be soldiers. In fact, you should be relieved you’re not. Let me tell you, it’s no picnic at the front.”

            “You owe him an apology.” Jack stated.

            “Dad that’s enough. They’re guests in our house.” Connie demanded through clenched teeth.

            “You watch your tone, missy.”

            “I said, you owe him an apology.” Jack growled.

            “It’s alright, Jack.” Daniel offered.

            “You should treat a decorated veteran with a bit more respect.” Will sneered back at Jack.

            “As a retired General of the US Air Force I could say the same to you.” Jack shot back.

            For a moment the room was silent, Will gaping at him. “How dare you…”

            “How dare I what? You want to see my military ID? I’ve got 40 years of service to your 20 so I suggest you drop the subject.” Jack glared at him across the table. “And veteran or not I’d put him up against any soldier, any day.” He added, nodding toward Daniel.

            “You dare to insult me in my daughter’s house?!” Will barked.

            “Willard that’s enough!” Bill demanded, getting to his feet, an act that managed to get the old man’s attention. “We talked about this. If you can’t be civil then you shouldn’t be here.”

            “I have every right…”

            “No, you don’t.” Bill replied.

            “Bill…” Connie said.

            “Honey, I’m sorry, but you know how I feel about this. Especially after Jeff.”

            “You’re not still carrying on about that boy, are you?”

            Daniel could feel the conversation spiraling out of control. Jack was angry enough to be vibrating in his chair. Will was working himself into a red-faced lather with Bill not far behind. Connie looked something between embarrassed and livid and the two boys were sitting wide-eyed, taking in the whole scene.

            Bill threw his napkin down on the table. “Get out.” he growled in a voice that sounded very much like Jack.

            “Bill!” Connie gasped.

            “No, this is my house…my house, Willard!” He yelled. “I will not have you treat our guests this way. Now you can either apologize or leave.”

            “The day I apologize to a couple of fags…” Will huffed.

            “Then you know where the door is.”

            “Bill!” Connie objected yet again.

            For a long, silent moment Will and Bill stared at each other, jaws set, wearing mirrored expressions of anger and contempt.

            “Fine.” Will said, shoving back from the table. “This is a fine way to treat your father-in-law.”

            “Just go.”

            “You’re going to let him get away with this?” He asked Connie.

            “Dad, I’m sorry, but you’re wrong and you know it.”

            “Don’t tell me what I know, young lady.” He warned. “I know it’s a disgrace that people like this are allowed anywhere near real soldiers. A disgrace!” He spat, casting one last glare at Jack and Daniel.

            “Now!” Bill demanded. “And I would strongly advise you not to make me say it again.”

            Will threw his napkin down on the table grumbling about the bad example they were setting for the boys and marched across the house before slamming the front door. Daniel could feel the tension in the room fading as they all breathed a collective sigh of relief. Well, most of them.

            “I want to apologize for my father.” Connie sighed. “He’s part of the old generation. He doesn’t understand.”

            “It’s not your fault.” Daniel offered and rested a hand on Jack’s leg, feeling him still vibrating in his chair.

            A momentary glance was all it took to register the dangerous gleam in his eyes that was leaking out behind his otherwise blank expression as he glared at the table.

            “That’s no excuse.” Bill added. “Honestly, I had no idea he was going to be so abrasive. Please, except our apologies.”

            “I think maybe we’d better just call it a night.” Daniel suggested wanting to get Jack out of there.

            He’d just been slapped in the face with his worst nightmare and he didn’t want him to have to sit there and pretend it hadn’t gotten to him. It had and from the look of him it had struck deep.

            “I understand.” Bill said as they got to their feet. “Why don’t you let us take you out to brunch tomorrow to make it up to you? It will just be Connie and me, I promise.”

            “Can we think about it?”

            “Of course. Why don’t I call you tomorrow morning?”

            “That’s fine.” Daniel nodded, ushering Jack toward the front door.

            They said their good-byes and he watched Jack stalk to the car. He was silent the entire drive back to the hotel, arms folded across his chest as he stared out the window.

            “You ok?” Daniel asked.

            He knew it was a stupid question, but he couldn’t think of anything else to say and he wanted to gauge just how far inside Jack was hiding. The lack of response answered his question.

            “Just because he said it doesn’t make it true.” He offered. “You have nothing to be ashamed of, Jack.”

            It was hard trying to read his almost nonexistent expression and drive at the same time so he set aside the attempt at conversation until they were back at the hotel. Jack stalked into the room and shut himself in the bathroom. He was mad and he wanted to be alone. As far as Daniel was concerned it was a reasonable request so he collapsed in a chair and kicked off his shoes before wandering over to the window. Arms wrapped around himself he sighed at the scenery. 

            This was far from the first small minded idiot he’d run across in his lifetime. The faces changed, but underneath they were all the same. Motivated by irrational fear or their own insecurities, they always seemed to feel justified in lashing out. As if the gay community owed them an apology for having the nerve to exist in the first place.

            Daniel cast a glance back toward the bathroom. Under normal circumstances Jack was very good at dealing with mind games. He’d been trained to be, but this was different. This was a very ugly concept being hurled in Jack’s face; one that mirrored the same ugly rhetoric that was already crawling through his head. Daniel had little doubt part of Jack would take it as confirmation that he’d been right to see his sexuality as a disgraceful weakness. He had no idea what kind of fallout that would bring, but whatever it was it would be big.

            It was no surprise when he felt a familiar twinge in his stomach. After months of this his ulcer was threatening to make an appearance. Great. Just what he needed. He put the thought aside and strode toward the bathroom. Jack had been in there long enough. If he still wanted to be alone, fine, but Daniel needed to see what kind of shape he was in first.

            “Jack?” He tapped at the door.

            He heard silence on the other side. Turning the handle he was relieved to find that Jack hadn’t locked it. He pushed it open and stuck his head in to find him sitting on the closed toilet seat leaning forward on his elbows with his eyes closed and his fists pressing into the sides of his head. Daniel crossed the small space, studying him as he went, but finding very little in the way of clues. He rested a hand on the top of Jack’s head, fingers skimming across his hair, his palm settling for a moment. When he didn’t protest the touch Daniel carded his fingers through the short, gray strands.

            “Jack.” He repeated, his voice quiet as he crouched in front of him. “Look at me.”

            Resting a hand on each of Jack’s thighs he waited for several long moments before a pair of brown eyes emerged. The look of desperation was one Daniel had rarely seen in all the years he had known him. He was a step beyond lost. The scene at the house seemed to have pushed him way too far, not that he was surprised. Jack might have spent a lot of time being afraid something like Willard would happen, but he was willing to bet he hadn’t considered what he would do when it happened. He’d handled the tirade well enough, but the aftershocks were still reverberating through him. From the look of things he was hanging on for dear life, doing his best not to lose it completely and it was taking everything he had.

            “I’m right here.” He offered, Jack twitching his head in a miniscule nod. “Everything’s ok.”

            A scowl creased his face a moment before it and the desperation were swept away, covered by his stoic blank expression. Maybe “ok” was a bit of an overstatement.

            “Come here.” He coaxed, his voice a gentle caress as he got to his feet and prized a fist from Jack’s head, tugging at his arm.

            It would do no good to ask him what he needed because even on his best day Jack wouldn’t have been able to put it into words. He was going to have to make an educated guess and fake it from there. Jack inched to his feet and Daniel wrapped his arms around him, Jack returning the gesture and clinging to him with a grip that matched the turmoil he had seen in his face. Several months of work and they were back to clinging. He wasn’t taking it as a good sign.

            “I’m right here.” He whispered, rocking them where they stood, the way Jack always did. “Colonel Jack.” He felt a tremor roll through him at the mention of the pet name he’d been using for years.

            He stood in the small bathroom holding him and rocking him long enough for his legs to start getting tired from the lack of movement. However, Jack didn’t seem inclined to move, nor did he make any attempt to lessen his almost crushing grip. So Daniel stayed where he was, rocking, holding, and murmuring to him, waiting for a sign that Jack was ready to come out of hiding.

            Standing there in the silence of the hotel bathroom with things coming down around him, there were two ways for Jack to go with it. Shut himself back in the closet and maybe run screaming from their relationship just to put an end to the whole thing, or reject what Willard had said and start seeing things from a different perspective. Being gay wasn’t the horrible thing some people claimed it was. There was a third option, but it wasn’t one Jack would ever consider. He’d drink himself into a stupor before he turned to suicide.

            It was a long time before Jack’s grip began to loosen. Daniel wasn’t sure if it was because he was exhausted or because something had changed in his head, but he took the opportunity to pull himself from Jack’s arms and lead him out of the room. Casting what he hoped were inconspicuous glances at him as they both got undressed for bed Daniel tucked him under the blankets and wrapped himself back around him. As he drifted to sleep spooned close to Jack he decided that he was calling and end to this mess as soon as they got back to Minneapolis. Jack had been through enough. If they had to spend the entire winter up at the cabin just to give him a chance to regroup then that’s what they’d do and as soon as they could put the house on the market without losing their shirts they were going to get out of the city. They’d find a place that had a bit more space and lot fewer neighbors. It had been a nice fantasy that Jack could adjust to being a typical gay man living in a typical community, but it was obvious that wasn’t true. At least not at that point.

            Jack had been in favor of the move and the location from the beginning, but it seemed he’d been playing along the entire time, faking it to the best of his ability because he thought that’s what Daniel wanted. The truth was he just wasn’t ready. He’d been hiding for a decade and expecting him to put aside his fears and inhibitions within the space of a few months was unrealistic. Maybe in a few years when he’d had a chance to settle into the idea they could try it again. Maybe that would just never happen. As his mind ground to a halt Daniel fell asleep with the thought that as long as he had Jack he could find a way to live with that.

~~>>*****<<~~

            Jack dozed here and there throughout the night, Daniel holding him even in his sleep. He had little doubt he’d scared him half to death with the silent treatment after the disastrous dinner, but he’d been reeling. Will’s proclamation that he should be ashamed of himself for the life he was living had struck him hard; echoing the thoughts that had been rolling around in his head for months, years if he was going to be honest. Part of him had wanted to reach across the table and deck the man. Part of him had been cheering in agreement. The combination had left him confused and disturbed.

            He had no idea what time it was, but the room and the world outside were still dark. Nevertheless, he knew he was wasting his time trying to sleep. He extricated himself from Daniel’s grip and slid from the bed. In the dim light he wandered over to a chair on the other side of the room and sank into it. He had some serious thinking to do. Something had occurred to him over the past few hours and it was threatening to turn his whole precarious tower of logic into a pile of rubble. It seemed fitting when he felt like his life had just come down around him.

            His military side insisted that he was a disgrace to the uniform he had worn for so long. The problem with that concept was he had been with Daniel for most of the final decade of his career and he hadn’t been a disgrace during any of that. He was a good officer and a damned good soldier. After all, you didn’t get to be a General just by putting in the time. He had earned that title and every single commendation and decoration on his uniform.

He had a small collection of Purple Hearts and a Silver Star or two. He never talked about them and certainly never bragged about them, but you didn’t get those by being a slouch, either. If the personal recommendation by the President of the United States was worth anything then he had been a good enough officer to have earned his position as head of HWS. By all military standards he wasn’t a disgrace. Aside from a few mentions of insubordination, his military record said just the opposite. He’d been in love with Daniel during the same period when he’d earned half his commendations. So it stood to reason that his relationship hadn’t made him any less of a soldier or a commander than he’d been before. If that was true, what did that mean?

            Being involved with a man had been against regulations. He had no problem admitting that, but other than thumbing his nose at the rule book did being in love with Daniel mean anything else? People like Will thought so, but that loudmouthed, egomaniacal pinhead had no idea what he was talking about when he said gay men couldn’t be soldiers. Daniel had been bi-sexual long before he’d set foot on base and looking at the things he’d done over the years, the disasters he’d faced, the many times he’d stared death in the face without blinking there was nothing about him Jack was even tempted to be ashamed of. Willard had no idea how much they had sacrificed to save the planet from the goa’uld, how hard they had fought or the sometimes impossible odds they had faced. They’d walked into missions they’d believed they wouldn’t survive. But they had done it anyway and they had done it together. So if Daniel wasn’t a disgrace to the SGC as a bi-sexual civilian then why was he?

            Jack sat staring out the window into the darkness turning the bundle of concepts over and over in his mind, inspecting them from every conceivable angle and always coming back to the same issue. If their love affair hadn’t made Daniel a disgrace to the military he had served so well, despite being a civilian, then why was his reputation as a soldier any different? Where was the line? Was there one? Was everything he had contributed to the Air Force in the past 40 years tossed aside because of the person he was in love with? Had his contributions over the past decade been hollow and pointless because he had come home most nights to a man instead of a woman? Did that concept even make any sense?

            The sun had crept over the horizon, but Jack had been too lost in thought to even notice. He didn’t realize it was dawn and that Daniel was no longer asleep until he felt a hand on his shoulder. Blinking himself from his thoughts he turned to find Daniel standing beside him, his face a mask of concern.

            “You ok?” Daniel asked, studying him.

            “Yeah.” Jack nodded.

            He was still a bit confused, but over the past, he had no idea how many hours, a few things had started to make sense. His love for Daniel didn’t make him less of a soldier. In fact, if anything having Daniel in his life had made him a better one.

And as long as he was getting things sorted out in his head, the reality was that he was very attracted to and very much in love with the man he had been sharing his life with for the past decade. He couldn’t explain why it had happened and he’d stopped trying long ago, but the last thing he wanted was to “come to his senses” and have it all disappear. By all accounts his love for Daniel made him bi-sexual. It wasn’t a passing thing. It had been there too long. Like it or not that was the truth and no amount of explaining it away or making excuses was going to change it. And if being bi-sexual had led him into the arms of the kind-hearted and quite adorable man with mussed hair standing next to him then how ugly was it? How deplorable was it to be gay when this was the result?

            When it came right down to the god’s honest truth about the whole mess, if getting rid of the gay thing got rid of Daniel then he would rather be gay because he wouldn’t trade Daniel for anything. It might do wonders for his sanity, but it would break his heart and he couldn’t live with that.

            “I think we should spend the winter out at the cabin.” Daniel said, his voice quiet as he crouched down beside Jack’s chair and rested a hand on his knee.

            “Why?” He asked in confusion having no idea where the notion had come from.

            “Because you’ve done enough.” Blue eyes continued to study his expression.

            “What do you mean?”

            “You’re miserable, Jack, and it’s not getting any better. I don’t want you to keep putting yourself through this.” He said, his eyes sad with a touch of desperation. “I know you’ve tried and you have no idea how much it means to me that you did, but it’s enough. You don’t have to do this any more. I’m calling it off. We’re a few weeks shy of six months, but it doesn’t matter. We’re done with this.” Daniel explained, reaching up and resting his hand against Jack’s face. “Ok? We’re done.”

            Jack smiled back at him. This right here, this was what he’d been talking about. How could this be something he should be ashamed of? His smile grew at the puzzled look on Daniel’s face. Mirroring him, Jack reached out and rested a hand against his face before drawing him in and kissing him.

            “I love you, Daniel and I’ll be damned if I’m going to apologize for that.”

            “What?” Daniel blinked back at him.

            “I’m in love with you…and apparently that makes me gay…well, at least bi-sexual…and I don’t give a damn. If it does then I guess it does.”

            Still huddled by the chair Daniel’s face folded into a small scowl. “I’m sorry, did you just say…”

            “That I’m in love with you? Yes, I did.”

            “No, not that part. Did you just say that you’re…”

            “Gay. Yeah.” Jack nodded.

            Daniel twitched an eye brow at him a moment before the scowl melted into a smile that grew to a beaming grin. Jack hefted himself from the chair, stiff muscles objecting to the movement after so many hours cramped in the same position, and pulled Daniel into a hug.

            “Are you sure about this?” Daniel asked.

            “That I’m in love with you?” Jack released his hold just enough to see Daniel’s face. “Absolutely and I have no desire to change that.”

            “That you’re comfortable with this.” Daniel replied.

            “I wouldn’t exactly call it comfortable, but it is what it is and I don’t think I should have to pretend it’s not true…any more. I think we should just get on with our lives and whatever happens, happens.” Jack brushed lips against his mouth. “If Will knew you he wouldn’t be complaining.” He whispered, cupping Daniel’s face and stroking his cheek with a thumb, the comment producing the bashful smile that always turned him to pudding.

            Bashful smile, big blue eyes, rumpled hair. How on earth was he supposed to say “no” to that? Jack smiled back and kissed him, holding him close.

            He had no idea how got to the bed. He didn’t remember moving, too lost in the sensation of Daniel to focus on anything else. Maybe Daniel had moved them there. He wasn’t sure. He was, however, aware of stripping him out of the few clothes he’d been wearing and kissing and licking every bit of skin he could get his mouth on. Engulfing him Jack paid special attention to his cock, working him over until Daniel was fisting the sheets, arching off the bed. Jack grinned to himself as Daniel came with a sound that was half growl, half groan.

            Somewhere in the background a phone started chirping, but Jack didn’t pay it any attention. There was nothing outside of that room, outside of that bed, that warranted his attention at the moment. Instead he focused on giving Daniel’s ass the same attention he’d given his cock, working him right back toward fisting the sheets before settling between his legs and filling him.

            He wasn’t the type to think of sex as a spectator sport, but being inside Daniel’s body with those long legs wrapped around him, hearing the moans as he stroked him just right, he almost wished people like Will could see how beautiful Daniel was in moments like that. Making him feel that good, that loved, that adored couldn’t be an ugly thing.

~~>>*****<<~~

            “You’re sure about this?” Daniel said one more time, a hand on the door to the restaurant.

            He’d been in the middle of more important things when Bill had called his cell phone a few hours earlier. In fact, he hadn’t even bothered to look to see who it was, not that Jack would have let him up even if he’d been interested. Which he hadn’t been.

            The voicemail he’d managed to get around to quite a while later had said they had made reservations for 11:00 at a nearby restaurant for brunch. He and Jack were invited to come and Will was not. He had added that he hoped they would show up, but would understand if they didn’t.

            Jack’s astounding reaction to the whole Will fiasco had caught Daniel unaware. He’d been expecting something, but not this. What’d he’d envisioned was a very withdrawn Jack for at least the next day, a bit less so once they got home to Maggie, and back to something resembling his old self a few days after they got up to the cabin. This was…well, almost surreal.

            It seemed meetings with his family had an odd effect on Jack because this was the second time he had left Daniel standing there with his jaw hanging open. Nevertheless, he wasn’t interested in seeing Jack walk himself into something he wasn’t capable of handling. He didn’t expect any problems with Bill and Connie, but making another appearance wasn’t necessary. Daniel could go by himself and make excuses for Jack. He didn’t mind, but true to form Jack wasn’t willing to appear as if he was hiding from the overgrown bully.

            “I’m fine.” Jack replied yet again with a look that said his patience with the repeated question was wearing thin.

            “Ok.” Daniel shrugged and pushed open the door.

            They paused at the hostess’ podium long enough to tell the girl standing there the name of the people they were meeting and trailed her through the maze of tables to a booth near the back. The hand rested low on Daniel’s back as Jack walked a step behind him was surprising. They were in public after all. Jack let Daniel slide into the booth and settled beside him resting a hand on his thigh. With his body still humming from the sex that had ended with just enough time for them to pull on clothes and be out the door the contact had him threatening to grow hard again so Daniel focused his attention on Bill and Connie instead.

            “I’m so glad you could make it.” Connie gushed, the look of relief on Bill’s face unmistakable.

            “We owe you a huge apology for yesterday. We honestly had no idea Will was going to react as strongly as he did.” Bill said. “I can’t tell you how embarrassed we are.”

            “It’s ok.” Daniel assured them. “You can’t always keep people from speaking their minds.”

            “I’m sorry that you ended up taking the brunt of it, Jack.” Connie said. “It was cruel and hurtful and I hope you don’t think for a minute that we agree with him.”

            “I appreciate that.” He said with a polite smile.

            “I would hate for you to think you’re not welcome in our home.” Bill said.

            “I think we’ve pretty much decided to put the whole thing behind us and move on.” Daniel replied, Jack nodding agreement giving his thigh a gentle squeeze. “I, uh, I don’t want to bring up a sensitive topic, but there was something you said last night that I didn’t really understand.” Daniel said. “Who is Jeff?”

            Bill dropped his gaze to the table and gave a quick glance to Connie.

            “I’m sorry, would you rather I didn’t ask?”

            “No, no, it’s just…we’re still a little upset by it, that’s all.” Connie replied. “Jeff was the son of our neighbor. He used to play with our boys when they were younger. He and his father didn’t always get along so he used to spend a lot of time at our house.”

            “He was almost like a son to us.” Bill added.

            “He was having trouble with depression lately, was very withdrawn. We hardly saw him at all last year and then…”

            “He killed himself last spring.” Bill said, finishing the story. “A few weeks before the family reunion in Wyoming. That’s one of the reasons we were so happy to have you show up. It was like a gift.”

            Daniel smiled awkwardly.

            “Apparently Jeff was gay.” Connie said. “He said in his note that he didn’t think anyone would accept him and he couldn’t stand the thought of being an outcast.”

            “We would have taken him in if his father had had issues with it. We wouldn’t have cared. The boys certainly didn’t.” Bill explained. “We just…we didn’t know.”

            “That must have been hard.” Daniel offered.

            “It was.” Connie nodded. “But none of that has anything to do with you two. If you’re open to the idea, maybe we should just forget yesterday ever happened and start over.”

            “I think that’s a wonderful idea.” Bill said.

            “I agree.” Daniel smiled

            “To starting over.” She said, raising her water glass.

            A few seconds of clinking glasses later and they dropped the subject and focused on their menus instead.

~~>>*****<<~~

            “When did that start?” Jack asked as they sat in the airport waiting for their flight to be called.

            “What?”

            “The ulcer.” He nodded at the hand rested on Daniel’s stomach.

            He’d been noticing it off and on all morning. Despite the fact that the past 24 hours had been close to stress free he knew the days, weeks, and months preceding it hadn’t been and once those things got started they seldom turned back off at the drop of a hat. He also knew that he had been the source of most, if not all of that stress.

            “It’s nothing.”

            “Maybe not yet. We’ll have to get you to the doctor once we get home.”

            Daniel nodded and sighed. He wasn’t a big fan of doctor visits, not that Jack could blame him.

            “A few pills, a couple of bottles of Maalox, a few days at home and you’ll be good as new.”

            Daniel gave him a look that less than enthusiastic.

            “I’m sorry, Danny.” Jack bumped his leg with his knee in an inconspicuous show of affection. “I know things have been a bit rough lately. You’ve been putting up with a lot since the move.”

            “It’s ok.” He shrugged.

            “No, it’s not. But it’ll be better. I promise.”

            “I know.” Daniel smiled. “Besides, having you around and putting up with a lot of crap tend to go hand in hand. Always have.” He shrugged.

            Jack blinked back at him. “Is that so?”

            “Yep.” He nodded with an almost straight face.

            “It’s a good thing we’re in public. Otherwise I’d have you make you sorry you said that.” Jack replied, lowering his voice, Daniel struggling to hide a megawatt grin. Checking their surroundings to make sure no one was within eavesdropping range Jack leaned close to him and dropped his voice another notch, adding the specific tone that always made Daniel’s heart beat a bit faster. “Truly sorry, Dr. Jackson.”

            Daniel cast him a quick glance and in that moment he could see the grin slipping a little, his blue eyes dilated just a bit. He had him right where he wanted him. Jack struggled to control his own evil smirk as the flight attended announced the first boarding call. The flight was just over two hours. More than enough time to get him wound up. This was going to be fun.

.